On Being a Distant Person

Published on May 4, 2005 By InBloom In Misc

I am a distant person....trauma and other very personal matters have molded me this way...I have trouble getting close to anyone...I am not necessarily cold, but it does take a lot for a person to become a confidante of mine. I can count the people I consider very close to me on one hand. Hugs, kisses, affection and verbal expressions don’t come easy for me. It feels very artificial to act familial with people whom I don’t know very well. Even online, I feel like I have to know a person for so long before I open up to them ( even IF I am being semi-anonymous...)

I often wonder if this trait of mine has cost me. Has it cost me friendships and connections and other life experiences? Would I have made a lifelong friend had it not been for me putting up walls? Would I be more ahead in my career if I would invest more time getting to know colleagues and bosses? Most importantly, would I have better relations with family if I would give that extra hug or have that extra talk?

I am working on this. I feel I have become a better communicator, and show emotion more. I have to thank my nieces, sister, and especially my loving boyfriend for showing me that the touch of a hand can be a good thing, and that trusting someone doesn’t always mean you are opening yourself up to harm.

I will always be a cautious person, but I am learning that I don’t have to go through life always on guard.

Comments

Trudygolightly

on May 04, 2005

InBloom: reading your article was like reading a letter ( email) from my older sister. The words are the same, she too talked
about the walls she had put up, being "standoffish" when she hadn't seen someone, she had ties to, for a long time. She
told me how I had helped some in this area, and how her golden retriever had helped her learn about unconditional love the
most. She told me how I was "fully emotionally engaged" and I haven't heard that expression before so don't know if it's a
a good thing or not...?
I guess I've been just the opposite of her, and am, most of the time, open to love, affection, and I've sure gotten hurt alot!
As of tonight, since I'm feeling really down right now, maybe my thoughts are colored be the hurt, yet I think maybe your way
would be the best choice, it sure would have protected me from what I went through.
I'm sorry to read of your going through trauma and other personal matters. It's really smart to choose wisely one's friends with whom to share things. I had a best ever friend, we not only went out to movies, dining out, we also shared out life's experiences
and the traumas both of us have gone through.....I kept the "things she shared' private and told no one. She didn't. The
next time I went to my support group, everyone was asking me about it....and so it goes.
I have to say I wish I hadn't been afraid of my sister, and reached out more often. Perhaps we'd have had a chance.......even one more time....
I wish you the best and send you prayers. Trudy

Moderateman

on May 04, 2005

When I first meet new people I too play things "close to my vest" time and trust allows me to open up more, then it's yahoooooooooo time..

MasonM

on May 04, 2005

Wow, in many ways I could have written this exact same article about myself. It sounds like we may be like souls in this regard.

InBloom

on May 05, 2005

~I wish you the best and send you prayers. Trudy ~

Thank you so much, Trudy

.

MM:~When I first meet new people I too play things "close to my vest" time and trust allows me to open up more, then it's yahoooooooooo time...~

Good for you, MM...I wish my yahoooo time came a little easier...

~Wow, in many ways I could have written this exact same article about myself. It sounds like we may be like souls in this regard.~

Well, Mason, I guess you know exactly what goes through my head concerning this. It's not that I reject all closeness...it just takes a long while to get to that point with certain people.

I definitely know where it has especially affected me...in the relationship area (I have frustrated several men because of this).
I am thankful I finally have found someone who didn't give up so fast...

blondie06

on May 07, 2005

I know exactly what you mean about putting up walls and being cautious with people. I always wonder if I hadnt been so cautious what would have happened.

My reasons behind this though is the fact that I was abused growing up and I am cautious with everybody because I am afraid that they will bring up alot of my past with people. I never met my real dad so that has alot to do with the matter as well. I just have had so many friends come and go over the years that it is hard for me to trust people.

I know how you feel and I dont exactly have people that I can talk to you except for my best friend who I have known for the past 6yrs and I can open up to her.

Zoologist03

on May 07, 2005

I used to be that way, sort of....but in recent years I've changed. I've learned that it's better to keep your walls down and let people in. I'm not saying let people from out of no where gain your trust, but if you know them for awhile then let them in. I know people exactly like you...it's not uncommon and I understand many of the reasons behind it, as I said before, I've been there. If you want to, you can change...it would be very hard if you've done it for a long while of course.

~Zoo

InBloom

on May 08, 2005

Blondie and Zoo...thanks for your replies...it's nice to know that people can understand this sort of thing instead of just dismissing me as "odd"...

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