The Aches and Pains of Nostalgia

Published on July 1, 2006 By InBloom In Blogging

Nostalgia can be a beautiful thing. It allows you to go back in time and mentally re-live moments in your life. It brings smiles and laughter to your lips. It floods you with all sorts of good feelings.

However, sometimes nostalgia can hurt me.

I was playing some music last night...and it began to remind me of my family. My mood started out with smiles...but it soon turned sad, really sad. The music I was playing especially reminded me of my sister. When she was younger (from childhood into her teens), she would hang around in my bedroom and we would spend hours listening to music: happy music, sappy music, loud music, relaxing music....whatever striked our moods. We would watch concerts together, go to concerts together, listen to music in the car together. It was such a bonding experience for us. I can truly say she became my best friend despite our age difference (11 years).

But now, she is all grown up...and as I was listening to this song yesterday, this classical song that took me back to my bedroom of years ago, it hit me really hard that I will never have that sort of closeness with her again. She has a husband, has a full-time job, has her own circle of close friends...and from what she tells me, when her husband comes back from his deployment in Korea, they might be moving to another base and are going to consider starting a family. It just boggles my mind sometimes as to how much of an adult she's become (she's 20).

It might seem odd to some as to why I feel so sad about this all. I should be happy for her, right? Having helped bring her up, and having been in the "mother" role often, of course I feel proud for all that she's accomplished. I want what's best for her and I want her to fullfill every dream she has in life. But I also don't want to lose my little sister...and I feel like I already am.

Oh, look at me crying and being so melancholy. I do hate when I get like this....*wiping off a tear*. You know...maybe she feels the same way about me....I was always dependable Rose...always there if she needed me....always a second away. But now I have my own life going on...I have a love of my own who has also become a best friend and confidant. I am no longer convenienly availalbe to her. What if she does feel the same way? I would never want her to think like she is losing her big sister. Never. And it's not like we never see each other...it's not as much as we'd like, but we do see each other. But it's those times that I do see her that I notice the changes in her.

Sigh...all of this might just be due to loneliness, to my fear-of-closeness downfall, to hormones, to lack of communication, to too much back pedaling to the past...and dare I say, maternal yearning I have been feeling lately (which, for various and personal reasons, can't be something I can do soon).

I'll be okay...I guess I just overthink things too much when I'm alone. Oh, how I enjoy solitude, but only to a certain extent (then the demons and issues set in).

For now, maybe I should just stick to listening to some upbeat music..and thinking of the here and now.

Comments

Dr Guy

on Jul 01, 2006

Growing up, I had 6 siblings. But was always closest to my sister who was only 12 months younger than I. When I started school, I would bring home my books and teach her what I had learned. She was always ahead of her class because it was a repeat from the previous year. That went all the way through Jr High. Then in HS, we diverged. She went her way, and I went mine. We have never been that close since.

And I do miss it as well. Some of my siblings are double digit years behind me as well. And while I love them, we were never close. Until now. I am closest to my oldest sister (who I fought with constantly as a child), and my god daughter - who is 12 years my Junior. I have 4 children, she has one. But we are still very close. And we share something with 3 of our siblings. We are the tweeners (we have 2 babies and one oldest) which means we will never have our mother's ear. But we accept that now.

With maturity comes acceptance, and sometimes a greater bond.

InBloom

on Jul 01, 2006

Dr.G~~With maturity comes acceptance, and sometimes a greater bond.~~

You are right. I'll take this response to heart.

Locamama

on Jul 01, 2006

I am definately a sentimentalist too. I am the same way if I stop and start thinking about things. It helps to stay busy so I don't feel like I'm going crazy. I guess it's okay to have those days every now and then just not so often that you think you're losing it. At least it means that you care which is a good thing. I guess the best lesson is to appreciate the time you have together now because in twenty years you'll look back on these days with wistfulness.

Okay are you cranking happy tunes yet? Belle and Sebastian - Another Sunny Day, Corrine Bailey Rae - Put your Records On, Natasha Beddington - Unwritten, No Doubt - Hellagood. Those should get you started. Now go paint your toenails bright red. You can't be sad with bright red toenails.

InBloom

on Jul 01, 2006

Locamama ~~Okay are you cranking happy tunes yet? Belle and Sebastian - Another Sunny Day, Corrine Bailey Rae - Put your Records On, Natasha Beddington - Unwritten, No Doubt - Hellagood. Those should get you started. Now go paint your toenails bright red. You can't be sad with bright red toenails.~~

I made a trip to the store earlier and did sing along to that Natasha song.

Also, I don't have red polish, but I'm thinking a cutesy pink will do.

Locamama

on Jul 01, 2006

Cutesy Pink will work. Hope you're feeling better.

foreverserenity

on Jul 10, 2006

Natasha Beddington - Unwritten

I think you meant Natasha Beddingfield Loca. Don't worry, I do that to her name too.

. She's our latest find, my two daughters and I. We just love this CD and my son and hubby just moans and try to run away when we put it on in the car or at home!

!

Rose, I understand how you feel. I can relate because I'm a big sister and I have two younger siblings who are sisters (and a brother as well). We did everything together growing up. I was the active one who drag everybody out all over the place and always on the go. I left Jamaica when I was I think 20 or 21 and my youngest sibling was 12, my sister. I never realised how much my leaving impacted her. She told me about it a couple of years ago and I was so sorry I didn't realised how much this affected the relationship between her and our other sister as well.

I do keep in touch with them, on a regular basis, by phone, email, Messenger. We haven't seen each other in five years though and that I hope to remedy soon but we're still very close. I do miss them though and there are times when listening to certain songs will bring back that nostalgic feeling and I too would be a pile of mess because I miss them so. I think it's ok to be meloncholy once in awhile Rose, we're humans after all.

InBloom

on Jul 10, 2006

Serenity
~~I do keep in touch with them, on a regular basis, by phone, email, Messenger. We haven't seen each other in five years though and that I hope to remedy soon but we're still very close. I do miss them though and there are times when listening to certain songs will bring back that nostalgic feeling and I too would be a pile of mess because I miss them so. I think it's ok to be meloncholy once in awhile Rose, we're humans after all.~~

I just really needed the pouring out of these feelings, and I did feel a little bit better after I wrote this.

I really do hope you get to see your siblings soon...five years is a long time. BUT it's wonderful to hear that you manage to keep that closeness alive with them.

MasonM

on Jul 10, 2006

Nice article.

My aches and pains spawn nostalgia. I think "Oh yeah, I remember when I hurt my knee doing...", "Yeah, I got this scar....that was fun", etc...

Many of my memories are connected to my aches, pains, and scars.

Dr Guy

on Jul 10, 2006

My aches and pains spawn nostalgia.

My shoulder reminds me of the 11 cubic yards of mulch my son and I just spread!

Tova7

on Jul 10, 2006

Music does that same thing to me. Nothing can bring memories rushing back as fast and hard as a certain song.

You sound like a great sister Rose. Your love for your sister just shines in things you write about her. Once she has kids you'll be their Aunt Rose!

Thanks for sharing that.

dynamaso

on Jul 10, 2006

Many of my memories are connected to my aches, pains, and scars.

Ah, the injuries of experience. I know them well.

I'm the eldest of 5, 3 bros and a sister (the youngest). They all live within minutes of each other, quite literally a suburb apart. I live about 4 hours from them all. I miss them but don't relate to them anymore. They're married with kids, mortgages and all the worries associated with being in that position. I'm not at all like them anymore.

I'm happy with my life, for sure but there are moments, rare and fleeting, when I long for the days when we were all close.

Nice article.

island_gurl12

on Jul 10, 2006

That is such a nice article! Your sister is lucky to have someone like you caring for her.

InBloom

on Jul 14, 2006

Thanks for your comments Tova, dynamaso, and IG. I appreciate them. Sorry I didn't come back to this sooner.

Tova7

on Jul 14, 2006

No problemo sista!

Welcome Guest! Please take the time to register with us.
There are many great features available to you once you register, including:

Richer content, access to many features that are disabled for guests like commenting on the forums.
Access to a great community, with a massive database of many, many areas of interest.
Access to contests & subscription offers like exclusive emails.
It's simple, and FREE!